I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
