You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
