dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
