I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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