I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
