The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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