He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
