So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Randomize
