At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
