You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
