Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
