I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
