I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
