Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
