When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
