John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize