i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
