I can feel you judging me through the phone.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
