I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
