Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
