The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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