my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
honey bunches of taint.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
