DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize