One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize