Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
barbara walters just said penis...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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