fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
