I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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