my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
