My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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