I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I wish there were birth control emojis
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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