4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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