6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize