I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Someone signed my nipple.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
