It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
