Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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