she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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