I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
