Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
