Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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