I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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