I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Drake has all the answers
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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