I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
