we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize