I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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