I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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