The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
