I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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