I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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