I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my shit smells like andre
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize