I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
