Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
