we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
