My friends, they love my intelligence
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
