If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You are a genius and a whore.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
