my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
