Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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