i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
