Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
