does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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